finding me.

Time and time again, I keep getting lost. Lost in the world, in the drama of everything… lost in my own head? My energy has been feeling heavy lately and the day-to-day has been a bit overwhelming. I’m hanging in there, finding my way back home – home being the truest form of who I am. I’m putting in the work to heal and grow. It’s difficult but necessary work and as humans, we must do the work – over and over again. If we don’t move forward, we aren’t really living life are we?

After last year, I feel as if I’ve been stuck in fight or flight mode. A LOT has changed in my personal life in the past two years and that isn’t even touching all the change that is taking place globally. It all feels so intense. Emotions are high. People are quick to judge, to hate, to condemn, to ridicule, to stay divided. It’s hard when you look at humanity from a perspective of unity or love and see how far we are from that. It has been disheartening to say the least and it’s difficult to distance yourself from the fire. It’s a constant war out there – it’s us against them or you against me and no one really even understands what they are fighting for or about or against.

& I might just be more sensitive than most people but I know many people that are riding this wave with me. To feel everything so deeply is a unique gift but it can quickly leave you feeling empty and lonely. You don’t have to take it all in. You don’t have to be there for everyone. You don’t have to make yourself available 24/7. You can let things in, but only under the right conditions. Not everything deserves your energy or your time or your headspace. Finding that balance on your path is a journey – one that is ever-changing.

photo from unsplash

I’m in the midst of a transitory period in my life – trying to stand firm on what feels like unstable ground. Most of this change is positive (and much-needed) but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t exhausting. Everything is moving so fast. I have had to take a few steps back to catch my breath, to re-evaluate and to find my way back to myself. I’ve been caught up in too many things that haven’t been serving me. I’ve been overindulging, saying “yes” to everything people ask of me, numbing my mind with junk… and the list goes on.

photo from unsplash

I’m rebuilding. Slowly and with immense care. I’m stepping back into my power. My hard work the past couple months is already paying off. Last year was rocky but I felt free. Now it’s time to step up to my new responsibilities and find that freedom again. It’s within reach and I’m getting constant signs that I’m back on the right path. You can find that light again – some days it feels so far away but I promise you that it’s not. A life filled with light, power, peace, freedom and balance is right on the other side of that mountain, you just have to gather the strength to climb it – even if you start out baby step by baby step. Before you know it, you will look over your shoulder and be amazed at the progress you have made. Every bit counts. Light that fire deep inside you and let that fire move you – take action – it’s the only thing that will get you to where you want to be.

Here are three things that have been helping me get back to the light:

  1. THERAPY!!!!!!! I’m back in therapy and it feels soooo good. It took some guts on my end to put in the effort to find a new therapist and set up an appointment but I’m so glad I finally did it. Therapy helps me to see my life from a different perspective – to open my eyes to the bad habits, the negative thought patterns and the things that aren’t serving me. It also gives me space each week to get out of my head, to reflect and to step away from my ego.
  2. FULLY embrace who you are. I am highly sensitive / empathic and I’ve really had to come to terms with it. I’ve been reading books, forums and doing as much research as I can to understand more about that side of me. I’m learning more about my intense emotions, how to harness them and how to best hold space for myself. It is incredible to have the ability to be so tuned in to everything and everyone around you but you have to learn when to protect your own energy and well-being.
  3. Socializing! When I’m going through it, I tend to retreat. Solitude can be a beautiful thing but it can be easy to get lost in the dark. Humans need connection and sometime that connection will be the thing that pulls you out of your negative thoughts and out of that darkness – if even for a moment. Reach out to people that you trust and do not be afraid to ask for help.

& always remember that you are not alone. No one ever tells you how hard it is to pick yourself up from a dark place – especially when you fight mental / physical illness. Choosing to stand up and live your life is in itself an act of strength. Only you have the power to change your future. Start with one simple change and go from there – it’s a rollercoaster that you have to be willing to ride. Some days, getting out of bed will be a victory and other days you will do amazing things that you never thought possible. Tap into that inner fire, lean on that source of infinite love and take that first step – you won’t regret it.

Listen to your inner voice, your intuition, the Holy Spirit – never forget who you are.

Peace & love. – Kendall