free.

what does it mean to be free?

This simple question was at the center of my mind, body & soul throughout 2018. In January, I was recovering from a really heartbreaking end to a relationship and I was severely depressed. It was one of the few times in my life I have hit rock bottom… and I knew something had to change. I felt like I was trapped in unhealthy romantic relationships and stuck in a pit of depression – I wanted to be free.

Ever since I watched Lana Del Rey’s music video for her song ‘Ride’, this scene has been stuck in my memory:

Lana Del Rey – Ride – October 2012

Her music always inspired me – and it specifically spoke to me in periods of depression but the lyrics in this song always touched my soul in a special way. The music video is ten minutes of beautiful artistry and imagery that has always sparked a fire in me – a yearning – a want / a need to feel free.

That same fire sparked in me this past year – I knew something in my life had to change.

Looking back, my then-boyfriend breaking my heart was the best thing that has happened to me in years – it was a chance to find my freedom. I was on my own after two serious relationships that took up a good five-six years of my teenage/young adult life.

The past few years, I had found myself in not-so-good situations with these boyfriends and I didn’t realize that all that negative energy nearly took the life out of me. I was putting everything into these relationships and leaving no love or compassion for myself.

I now realize how my low self esteem really led me into these unhealthy relationships – I wanted to please other people – I wanted other people to like me / to want me / to need me. I abandoned myself – I walked away from myself – I deserted myself completely… and for what?

I’m not going to say that I regret being in either of those relationships – because it got me to where I am today. I gained so much experience from those situations and it made me into the strong woman I am today and not only am I strong, but I am finally free.

Losing them allowed me to find myself – and within that – the freedom to be myself fully.

so what does it mean to be free?

To me – freedom equates to love – complete full agape love. With freedom, I am able to each and every part of myself. With love, I am able to celebrate my freedom and find the freedom to love others – without deserting myself.

Sit and think about this. Pray about it. Ask for guidance. What does freedom mean to you? What steps do you need to take in your life to find your personal freedom? What does it mean to be free?

Peace & love

Kendall